This free-range rooster wine is advertised as a red wine “uncaged adventure”. Again, animals + wine = just say no. Reminds me a bit of Animal House.
|Understated & Peaceful!!|
I prefer this simple understated Pine Ridge label with a sketch of a winery. Peaceful. It looks refreshing on a 110 hot humid Dallas day. I could enjoy it by the pool and be swept away to a peaceful island in the Pacific where I am perfectly relaxed, sipping wine and reading a fabulous book selected by the interesting cover. With a handsome beck-and-call cabana boy, of course.
|Perfect for Halloween!|
A deep dark bottle with a gnarly tree or old English lettering would be the perfect selection for our annual Halloween party. Those bottles deserve to be poured by Dracula John. The label conjures images of haunted houses and vampires and blood. I would never buy it for 4th of July. Not even to serve with ribs.
|Alternative to Grape Wine?|
WHO would buy this Sweet Pea Apple Wine? One of the Stepford Wives? I suspect this may be a fitting substitute for my beloved Boone’s Farm Kountry Kwencher, but no experimental young wine drinker in 2012 would be caught dead with this. Although not visible in the picture, the entire neck of the bottle is covered in the same print as the woman’s dress. This wine is advertised as a “fun new alternative to grape wine.” Grape wine? Meaning wine made with grapes? Isn’t that what officially makes it wine?
This Chianti looks very serious and I’m pretty sure it would give me a migraine. The label includes a sketch of the Head of Leda drawn by Leonardo Da Vinci in the 1500s, so it must be enjoyed at a very expensive Italian dinner with a serious, romantic, look-deep-into-my-eyes conversation. With tiramisu for dessert. And of course there is a drippy candle on the red-checkered table for added effect…
|Godfather Party Wine!|
Pick up a few bottles of this Francis Coppola merlot for your next Godfather party. All men LOVE The Godfather. When else would anyone buy this? A poker party? Does Steven Spielberg have his own wine? He is always overlooked.
|Men’s Cologne or Wine?|
This odd wine bottle would look more appropriate in the men’s cologne section at Dillard’s next to Christian Dior Eau Noire. Or maybe in the olive oil or fancy water section at Whole Foods. Or perhaps it’s really filled with mouthwash. Worst design ever in my book. Maybe I should just stick to books and let Dracula John continue to select the wine? I can pick books much better.
THE NEIGHBORHOOD WINE PORCH PARTY!!